My Imaginary conversations with a few not-so-lucky Indians

Note: Any resemblance to a real character living or dead in this article is purely not coincidental.

1. Mr. Kejriwal

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I used to take pride stating the fact that a person sharing my first name is revolutionizing politics in my country. But on the contrary, I feel ashamed now so much so that I refrain from using your first name to talk about you. Yes, the central government has not been perfect but I don’t understand how a 47 year old man cries like a 2 year old baby when things don’t go his way. I don’t mind you taking pride in your copied but half-successful new laws and policies till they bring change but calling the prime minister a coward or a psychopath and claiming that he would kill you shows that you are also someone who plays petty politics. With this mindset, don’t you dare hope to become the next prime minister.

“Grow up, Mr Kejriwal. It’s been 500 years since Copernicus proved that the earth is not the center of the universe, let alone you.” -Deepak Mehta

2. Rohit Shetty

Quote – “You’re an inspiration to people, for your movies show how somebody with no logic or no common sense can make so much money”

Unquote – Your movies are a disgrace to the movie industry.

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I tried hard. Really hard to watch one of your movies by keeping my brain aside. But even then, the brainless side of me was totally amazed at the nonsense that the movie showed.

I don’t blame you. I blame the audience, for they still choose to be entertained by such directors ( Oh oops! Illogical film makers.)

3. Rakhi Sawant

“Your face is uglier than mine” – Tanmay Bhatt.

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I generally don’t comment on people’s looks. But I thought for a person with no brains, at least beauty will talk. I’m afraid not. I am not at all surprised that your choice of marriage partners were “Rahul Gandhi” and “Baba Ramdev.” Congratulations! A lot of jackasses from The League of Extraordinary Assholes have already found their way from public memory to useless memoirs and you are definitely on top. I can’t think of one constructive thing that you have done with your life, your brains, and your beauty (that I don’t see). And of course, all the aura of obscenity you surrounded youself with, needs to be portrayed as the perfect example of how not to seek publicity.

4. Sonia Ghandy

As a kid, I really thought you were the granddaughter of Mahatma Gandhi. Kudos to your family for such a great idea of bringing in the “Gandhi” surname to fool people.

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You belong to “the Nehru family – where every successor is so worse compared to their predecessor that we tend to think of the old man/old woman in a much more positive way.” – Balaji Viswanathan

Your son’s great grandfather brought dynasty politics, the whole Kashmir issue and China war amongst his many other blunders. Your son’s grandmother brought emergency and aristocracy. Your son’s father unofficially received the award for the worst prime minister ever. You brought corruption and scams to greater heights. Your son, well, brought himself. Your son-in-law, it’s better I don’t talk about him.

Your son is the biggest casualty for the Congress party. Every time he opens his mouth on anything, he embarrasses Congress further. After having fucked up the country for 6 decades now, it’s better if you and your family make a personal choice to go on an exile to the next galaxy.

5. Karan Thapar

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You are so amazing that BBC (which I consider to be the most biased channel after NDTV) have plagiarized your programs. Rajdeep and Bharkha make illegitimate  false claims but you, Mr. Thapar are a different level of nonsense reporter. You come across as an obnoxious rudimentary idiot on your show who really annoys and irritates not just the guests but even the audience as you put on a scowl, grit your teeth and bark like a hundred dogs.

6. Honey Singh

“Music truly moves you places. The other day, I was sitting in a cafe which played Honey Singh’s song. So, I moved to another cafe.” -Read this online.

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Neither is your music as sweet as your first name nor in sync with your last name. I must say, your tunes attract the crowd but your lyrics make you so sexist that you should be castrated for the rest of your life.

Listening to your music and lyrics has two sides of the coin: heads – they are shit and tails – they are terrible shit. Kudos to you for having a fan base and targeting the right set of audience to sell your music. Well, even I’ve mistakenly enjoyed to your groves at parties.

7. A typical parent. Not mine.

I overheard the following conversation between a friend and his parents in a car.

Their parents didn’t drive the car. They were driving the driver. Guess who was the driver!

Thankfully, I still haven’t learned to drive a car.

“ You had your dreams and just because you couldn’t make them happen, you don’t have to force them on me. I want to do things my own way and not like Sharmaji’s son. I don’t want to be a civil servant. Didn’t you have your own dreams?”

“ Yes, son. We did have our dreams. But then you happened.”

8. My sweet yet unbearable relative

The purpose of my life is not to listen to your totally unrelated advice on my career or at what age I should marry somebody of your choice. I think I’m mature enough to take those decisions by myself. I accepted your friend request on facebook out of due respect and I regret that. I don’t mind you reading or seeing my posts. But stop commenting embarrassing stuff there. And you don’t have to go tell about everything that I share here with my parents. I hate it the most when you tell me, “Don’t post pics with girls, later no family will give you a girl in hand for marriage!”

Did I ask you? No, did I ask you for free advice?

9. Young couple on social media

Bae? Like really? You couldn’t come up with a more stupid word? Well, of course it’s your choice to call your partner whatever you want to but I don’t really want to know how much you adore each other and what you do with each other every single moment of your lives. Your privacy is your choice but don’t make me block you for the rest of my life.

And I don’t understand, how many samples have you tested before claiming, ‘You are the best husband ever/ you are the best girlfriend ever/I can’t live without you”?

“You have my permission to die.” – Bane

10. You and me

Did you take offence at what I wrote?  Oh I’m sorry. You know the number of time I’ve gone on a date with Emma Watson? That’s the exact number of fucks I give.

Oh wait! that was a conversation with myself. Please don’t take it otherwise. Anyway, let me continue:

You might have won a few awards and accolades, that does not make you the next Elon Musk. Stop comparing yourself with others. You have your own shit to handle. Life is not about fame,  money or sex. The first 6 characters on this article have fame, money comes and goes, and even animals know how to reproduce. Lead a life beyond that. And and, ignorance is bliss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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